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The Old Memories

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It was another day of fighting my urge to call her…

It’s been six months since she never texted me. I broke up with her because I can’t handle everything that was happening in her life. It felt like a prison to me. I can’t breathe and it choking me on. Despite that, I should have still stayed.

It was the lowest point of her life and yet I just shrug it off. I shouldn’t have left her. Thinking about all those memories we had made me feel homesick. Her embrace was my home, her smile was my strength, and her love was my wealth. For weeks she begged me to take her back but I’m too busy feeding my own ego. I was too angry and too disgusted to see good things that ever happened. Now she doesn’t even talk to me or even sent me messages. She moves on while I’m stuck in the past. I can’t see all her statuses and photos now since she blocked me on Social media just a month ago. I am still secretly wishing she will call me one day and telling how much she misses me. I know I’m stupid for letting her go. I know I’m not worth for her and this was my punishment.

Wherever I looked, I saw her smile, I saw her brown eyes, and I heard her laugh. She always appears in my dreams, in my thoughts, and in every woman that I dated. I try to look for her but I couldn’t find her anywhere. I love her so much and I know losing her was the biggest mistake I ever had. I wanted to return to the day she texted me that her life had been too miserable. We fight because she thought I’m just reading her messages. The truth was I just didn’t know how to respond from that time but if God had given me a chance, I won’t break up with her. I would try to help her in every possible way I could.  If only if I wasn’t a coward.

*Ring, ring, ring, ring*

There’s someone that was calling me…..

I look at the caller I.D and her name exactly pop out on my screen.

“Oh my god! It’s her!”

I know from the moment I saw her name, my heart jumped out of my chest. I had been waiting for this call all my life. Now, she finally called me.

“Hello?” I spoke to another line.

“Jade,”

Her sweet voice is ringing in my ears.

Please, say you miss me and everything would be alright, my princess. I promise I won’t leave you this time. I promise I would stay on your side during your anxiety attacks. I promise I love you until the end. I will do anything for you, just say you want me back. I miss you.

“Yes?” I answered back.

I can hear the excitement in her voice and how she had been through these past six months.

“Can I meet you up at the park? What time are you available?”

” I’m always available.” I found myself saying that without much thinking. I quickly regain my composure by telling her this:

“Ah, no. I’m sorry. I’m available at eleven.” I looked up at the wall clock that was hanging down my ceiling. It’s past nine so it’s a perfect timing. I have two hours to prepare for myself.

“Okay See you there.”

As soon as she hung up the phone, I went straight to bath and shaved all my excesses hair as well as trying to get a good shave with my shoulder-length hair. Then I style it down according to how she likes to style my hair back then. I remember how she softly caressed my hair with her long finger while telling me how good looking I am. This time, I need to be more representable. I need to show to her that I am looking forward to meeting her once more and secretly hoping to be more than her friend.

I arrived before ten, nervously tapping my shoes. How was my look? Do I look handsome today? Does she notice my outfit today? Are we going out on a date? Will she…

Before I could even practice the line of what I wanted to say to her, she already appeared.

Her appearance dramatically change. She’s slimmer than she was before and she colored her hair with blonde. She was now wearing a revealing V neck dress. She looks breath-taking. Then, she sat down next to me and smile.

“How are you these past few months?”

She asked me. I forgot what I need to say next. I forgot everything I had practiced before I even saw her. There’s something with her smile that I had never seen before. It’s shinning and full of energy. I answered to her with a trembling voice.

“I’ve been doing really good. Ho-how about you?”

She smiled once again that enough to stop my world, then she handed me an envelope.

A white envelope with her face smiling wearing a white veil casual dress while holding into a much older man. He was hugging next to her while planting her cheeks with a kiss. My whole world fell and I went into denial and confusion. I re-read once again what was written there but now I regret everything.

 

 

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The Dreamer

 

 

Once a dreamer, once a loser

Once a beggar on the street

Now with much power and money under his sleeve,

He forgets the humbleness in his self.

 

Now with everything he could buy,

He steps onto the back of poor people and let them die

He was blinded with money and material things.

He stole the only penny left for his expense.

 

He grew selfish and proud

Until one day he went bankrupt,

He roams outside the street begging for food and water,

Because of his rudeness, no one ever care.

 

Now dying, his one last wish as a beggar living in the street

That his body will be buried with a peanut seed underneath,

So when it will grow the people can eat

The fruit of his own greediness.

 

Once a dreamer, once a loser

Once a rich man, once a winner

Now an old man dying on the street

And a wish of a single peanut seed

To be planted on his grave.

In the Eyes of a “Suicidal”

People often misunderstood why depressed people took suicide. It wasn’t because we were weak and pathetic human beings. Suicidal people were more than just that. We were hero of our own suffering. In our lives, we were the giver, the most misunderstood and the  most mistreated. You don’t know about our story. You just know, that people like us, kill ourselves because we give up on what life could gave to us, or because we were plainly stupid. You didn’t even know what we were going through. Even the cuts in our hands weren’t enough to tell you how we really feel. Everyone has a story to tell and it doesn’t mean that someone was depressed, they were already weak. The truth was we tried. There were always a point in our lives when we regret what we were doing and there were points in our lives when we told ourselves, “We can do it.” But because of some “inconsiderate” and “judgmental” human beings that instead lift us, put as even more into the depths of depression, and because of how the events was turning, we decided to push it through.

Depression wasn’t just because of stress, problems and anxiety. It also covers the emotional and mental state of the person. There were deeper reasons why we kill ourselves and one of those was you. If you wanted us to stop it, then give us a helping hand, support us and understand. We were just an imperfect human being like you. Fighting depression when everyone was contributing nothing was pretty hard. I can compare it to a cancer that once spread in the body, doctors have had harder time to cure it.

That’s how we see suicide. I repeat, we were not pathetic, nor stupid, nor weak. WE were just people with incurable disease. Please stop judging because it wasn’t your life to begin with. Who knows? Maybe at some point in your life you will feel the same? Who knows maybe you’ll understand how we really feel inside and who we really want to be.

Suicidal people weren’t crazy. We were mostly the people who were happy and easy to please with but at the same time, has the biggest regret. We regret how things turn into us and why we can never control it? Why every time the problem was solved, there were even more bigger problems to come. We don’t need your opinions and advises. WE need your ears to listen and eyes to open how “suicidal” people like me cope with idealistic standard of the society.

It was happen to me eight months ago. My friend in the neighborhood asked me my number so that she could call me anytime. We’ve texted for few days talking about some funny things until  she started to ask me who I was. I ignored her first text , thinking it was just a prank. The next night, she texted me again asking what’s my name, and because I don’t have time for games, I just ignore it. At exactly eleven that night she called.

“Hello,” I said.

I was surprised when it was not my friend who spoke but a man. He immediately say,

“Hello, who are you?”

Because I started to panic, I just told him that I am the friend of Nisa and I didn’t knew she gave me the wrong number.

He asked where I am and I told him the address of our neighborhood. I asked him if he was Nisa’s cousin but instead of answering me he just say that he was leaving on Luna Street. After I apologize, he hung up the phone.

The next morning, I asked my friend about it. She said that her phone was dead for three days already and she didn’t know what I am talking about. I told her about the guy whom I thought was her cousin but she said that nobody ever touch her phone on the cabinet and there’s no way that a guy will touch it because there were no man in their family. I was shocked entirely but still skeptical. I showed her the caller I.D and her number and she responded if she can charge her phone in my room so I will know how dead her phone was. After that, she showed me all her phone book. No outgoing and inbound call. I’d never understand how was that possible. I try to call her number and it did ring. I scratch my head out of confusion.

Then, she suddenly froze and looked at me. She was trembling when she said this:

“If it’s not me, then it might be papa.”

 

Well, sadly, he died three months prior through a brutal accident.

 

 

“Wa, wa, wa, wa”

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There’s a story happen a long time ago. I was visiting my family in Florida and my parents were not at home. They all gone to attend the wedding party of my older cousin in Chicago so I decided to stay in the cabin next to our home since I couldn’t open the house. The cabin was old and seems been there for such a long time. I checked it out further and find some broken glasses and bricks all over it. Though it creeped me out a little bit, I didn’t have much choice so I decided to stay. I open up the door and a cracking rusty sound made its way through me. I rush inside only to find a perfectly fine empty living room, a small bed, and a cabinet. I didn’t have much time to think and since I was pretty tired from the trip. I immediately inflate my camping sofa bed and put in into the small bed. Soon after, I was snoring and fast asleep.

I had a weird dream though. A woman with a curly hair was standing just on the side of me. I can’t see her face because I can’t move my head either. She is coming closer and closer to my face. It freaks me out that when I decided to open my eyes, I could only see blur images of the cabin. I didn’t even understand how was that possible when I remember it was all dark. Then I felt my body froze and my skin tingles. I felt a cold air touching the left of my hand and it touches my neck until it landed my head. It lasts for about five minutes and it stops. I was beyond terrified when I suddenly heard a knocking sound coming from the outside.

I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak. I was like in the midst of sleep paralysis. I tried to pray but words wouldn’t come out and I lost. I know I need to fight. If I don’t, I might meet my end and wouldn’t wake up tomorrow again.

I tried to move the tips of my finger many times until I succeeded. I blink many times to see a clear image of the cabin. It was still dark yet I couldn’t explain why I can see a silhouette standing outside the window and then I heard the knocking once more. I tried to convince myself it was just my imagination or it was just a bird but the knocking turns suddenly into banging.  I gathered up my courage to speak and the first ever word that came into my mouth was, “Who’s knocking?!”

The knocking stops and as soon as I said those words, I heard a screeching noise. I turn around and see. It wasn’t on the door nor the window and not even on the rooftop. The noise came from the cabinet. It was shaking and as soon as it burst open, two red eyes stared back at me dragging me with all the strength while murmuring a deep voiced “Wa wa wa wa” repeatedly. The next thing I knew was that I had bite marks all over my body and paramedics were around. They said that they found me lying motionless outside the cabin. I knew better than them. I knew there’s something wrong within the cabin and even if I did tell them, they won’t still believe me.

I couldn’t explain the phenomenon that happen to me twelve years ago. One thing for sure I would never forget is the sound she makes while pulling me. It was the  most disturbing out of all that incident. I tried to forget about that and even moved on with my life. I was already married with a loving husband and has an 36 month old daughter, Kelly. She never talks to anybody except me and even the doctors find her attitude rather weird and disturbing but my husband and I just shake it off.

One day, my husband was out and I was preparing food for us and for our daughter when I suddenly heard a knock on the door of the kitchen. When I open it up I see the back of my little daughter. The lights started to flick and her head turn 180 degrees as I heard her say,

” Wa wa wa wa”

Serendipity

Across the border line of solitude,

Is the yearning of one soul’s cross.

  Just like a sheep who lost her mob,

A woman’s heart without a love.

 

But the alteration is yet to come.

The coldness shall be filled with warm.

Ill-fated is now gone.

The sun is yet to shine.

 

Susurrus talisman come knocking to her door

Bringing her with enormous treasure

Her hopes comes in the highest soar

 Serendipity you never expect for.

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