It was another day of fighting my urge to call her…
It’s been six months since she never texted me. I broke up with her because I can’t handle everything that was happening in her life. It felt like a prison to me. I can’t breathe and it choking me on. Despite that, I should have still stayed.
It was the lowest point of her life and yet I just shrug it off. I shouldn’t have left her. Thinking about all those memories we had made me feel homesick. Her embrace was my home, her smile was my strength, and her love was my wealth. For weeks she begged me to take her back but I’m too busy feeding my own ego. I was too angry and too disgusted to see good things that ever happened. Now she doesn’t even talk to me or even sent me messages. She moves on while I’m stuck in the past. I can’t see all her statuses and photos now since she blocked me on Social media just a month ago. I am still secretly wishing she will call me one day and telling how much she misses me. I know I’m stupid for letting her go. I know I’m not worth for her and this was my punishment.
Wherever I looked, I saw her smile, I saw her brown eyes, and I heard her laugh. She always appears in my dreams, in my thoughts, and in every woman that I dated. I try to look for her but I couldn’t find her anywhere. I love her so much and I know losing her was the biggest mistake I ever had. I wanted to return to the day she texted me that her life had been too miserable. We fight because she thought I’m just reading her messages. The truth was I just didn’t know how to respond from that time but if God had given me a chance, I won’t break up with her. I would try to help her in every possible way I could. If only if I wasn’t a coward.
*Ring, ring, ring, ring*
There’s someone that was calling me…..
I look at the caller I.D and her name exactly pop out on my screen.
“Oh my god! It’s her!”
I know from the moment I saw her name, my heart jumped out of my chest. I had been waiting for this call all my life. Now, she finally called me.
“Hello?” I spoke to another line.
Her sweet voice is ringing in my ears.
Please, say you miss me and everything would be alright, my princess. I promise I won’t leave you this time. I promise I would stay on your side during your anxiety attacks. I promise I love you until the end. I will do anything for you, just say you want me back. I miss you.
“Yes?” I answered back.
I can hear the excitement in her voice and how she had been through these past six months.
“Can I meet you up at the park? What time are you available?”
” I’m always available.” I found myself saying that without much thinking. I quickly regain my composure by telling her this:
“Ah, no. I’m sorry. I’m available at eleven.” I looked up at the wall clock that was hanging down my ceiling. It’s past nine so it’s a perfect timing. I have two hours to prepare for myself.
“Okay See you there.”
As soon as she hung up the phone, I went straight to bath and shaved all my excesses hair as well as trying to get a good shave with my shoulder-length hair. Then I style it down according to how she likes to style my hair back then. I remember how she softly caressed my hair with her long finger while telling me how good looking I am. This time, I need to be more representable. I need to show to her that I am looking forward to meeting her once more and secretly hoping to be more than her friend.
I arrived before ten, nervously tapping my shoes. How was my look? Do I look handsome today? Does she notice my outfit today? Are we going out on a date? Will she…
Before I could even practice the line of what I wanted to say to her, she already appeared.
Her appearance dramatically change. She’s slimmer than she was before and she colored her hair with blonde. She was now wearing a revealing V neck dress. She looks breath-taking. Then, she sat down next to me and smile.
“How are you these past few months?”
She asked me. I forgot what I need to say next. I forgot everything I had practiced before I even saw her. There’s something with her smile that I had never seen before. It’s shinning and full of energy. I answered to her with a trembling voice.
“I’ve been doing really good. Ho-how about you?”
She smiled once again that enough to stop my world, then she handed me an envelope.
A white envelope with her face smiling wearing a white veil casual dress while holding into a much older man. He was hugging next to her while planting her cheeks with a kiss. My whole world fell and I went into denial and confusion. I re-read once again what was written there but now I regret everything.
Once a dreamer, once a loser
Once a beggar on the street
Now with much power and money under his sleeve,
He forgets the humbleness in his self.
Now with everything he could buy,
He steps onto the back of poor people and let them die
He was blinded with money and material things.
He stole the only penny left for his expense.
He grew selfish and proud
Until one day he went bankrupt,
He roams outside the street begging for food and water,
Because of his rudeness, no one ever care.
Now dying, his one last wish as a beggar living in the street
That his body will be buried with a peanut seed underneath,
So when it will grow the people can eat
The fruit of his own greediness.
Once a dreamer, once a loser
Once a rich man, once a winner
Now an old man dying on the street
And a wish of a single peanut seed
To be planted on his grave.
People often misunderstood why depressed people took suicide. It wasn’t because we were weak and pathetic human beings. Suicidal people were more than just that. We were hero of our own suffering. In our lives, we were the giver, the most misunderstood and the most mistreated. You don’t know about our story. You just know, that people like us, kill ourselves because we give up on what life could gave to us, or because we were plainly stupid. You didn’t even know what we were going through. Even the cuts in our hands weren’t enough to tell you how we really feel. Everyone has a story to tell and it doesn’t mean that someone was depressed, they were already weak. The truth was we tried. There were always a point in our lives when we regret what we were doing and there were points in our lives when we told ourselves, “We can do it.” But because of some “inconsiderate” and “judgmental” human beings that instead lift us, put as even more into the depths of depression, and because of how the events was turning, we decided to push it through.
Depression wasn’t just because of stress, problems and anxiety. It also covers the emotional and mental state of the person. There were deeper reasons why we kill ourselves and one of those was you. If you wanted us to stop it, then give us a helping hand, support us and understand. We were just an imperfect human being like you. Fighting depression when everyone was contributing nothing was pretty hard. I can compare it to a cancer that once spread in the body, doctors have had harder time to cure it.
That’s how we see suicide. I repeat, we were not pathetic, nor stupid, nor weak. WE were just people with incurable disease. Please stop judging because it wasn’t your life to begin with. Who knows? Maybe at some point in your life you will feel the same? Who knows maybe you’ll understand how we really feel inside and who we really want to be.
Suicidal people weren’t crazy. We were mostly the people who were happy and easy to please with but at the same time, has the biggest regret. We regret how things turn into us and why we can never control it? Why every time the problem was solved, there were even more bigger problems to come. We don’t need your opinions and advises. WE need your ears to listen and eyes to open how “suicidal” people like me cope with idealistic standard of the society.
Across the border line of solitude,
Is the yearning of one soul’s cross.
Just like a sheep who lost her mob,
A woman’s heart without a love.
But the alteration is yet to come.
The coldness shall be filled with warm.
Ill-fated is now gone.
The sun is yet to shine.
Susurrus talisman come knocking to her door
Bringing her with enormous treasure
Her hopes comes in the highest soar
Serendipity you never expect for.