Category Archives: Pride

Listen to your Instinct

I always saw a lot of people falling in love,

I always witnessed how they feel and how they act,

But something is telling me, those people were not meant to be

And after months, they will end up heartedly.

 

I always saw a lot of people showing their love,

In a public, you might think they good enough

But after so many years, you just know that they broke up

And shrink in a way to a broken heart

 

Cause Love is not about how long the two of you

Being together is not a way you should know

Cause young love is so strong but as the time goes on

You just suddenly know that both of you move on

Your feelings are not a base to know if someone made for you

You need to trust what’s your heart is telling you

Because even how good a relationship was

There is always an ending in the end

Maybe you never made to be lovers but to be friends

 

I always saw a lot of relationship falling apart

Because of differences and really bad fights

Some handle it perfectly, but some not

And that what makes it sadder.

 

Cause Love is not about how long the two of you

Living together is not a way you should know

Cause young love is so strong but as the time goes on

You just suddenly know that both of you move on

Your judgement is not a base if someone made for you

You need to trust what’s your mind is telling you

Because even how good a person was

There is always a bad attitude lurking around

Maybe you just meant to feel that way, or maybe there’s better someone

Either way just be happy cause your journey has just begun

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Purity

 

For them, Marcelina’s beauty was no match than anyone in their town ever been. She was an innocent, naive, sweet and graceful woman who was always been looked up to and been envied by most women. When you see Marcela, you see perfection. All the way from top to bottom, you can never see a single mistake. Even on her face, on her arms and on her legs, she’s as gorgeous as she ever was. She was flawless as the white silk dress she’s always wearing. She has a brunette hair, blue eyes and enchanting smile with her pale skin. No wonder that any man from another town would come to visit her and brought her the rarest flowers and precious gifts just to hear her sweet “yes”.

Marcelina rejected them all for she cannot force herself to love someone she can’t. One of the things she always said to her mom whenever she’s pushing her to dress up for an eligible man was, “No matter what kind of man he was, if I cannot love him, then he’s not worth to be my husband.”

Her mom would stay up silent and just leave the room full of discontentment and vex to her daughter. Her mom’s concern was for her to marry a man who can provide her with anything she needed as her beloved father might die soon and his younger brother might inherit the state they were leaving in. Nothing left for Marcela but the pettiness of her brother to stay in the house with her nieces and nephews if she would not marry, and as always as her mother reminded her of such, Marcela has always another plan.

It wasn’t until the spring was the blooming flowers started to grow that Marcela decided to pick one of the tulips into her mother’s backyard. She’s humming one of the songs that her mom taught to her and to her brother, Marcus, as she was giggling with amusement to herself. Not sooner than that, Marcela noticed a young man, a man with beauty and composure. He was looking directly into the young lad’s eyes that she suddenly felt the rush of different emotions spreading through her veins. Her heart pumped faster that she mistook it for the coffee she drank this morning. The man was ten feet away from their yard and he seemed really mesmerized by her beauty. He smiled at her and she shyly turned around hoping he never take notice of her dumb expression.

She entered the house and met her mom who was cooking roasted chicken and rose salad as her gaze turns towards her.

“What happened to your face, Marcy? Is the spring heat burns your skin?”

“Aye, mama. I was just having a nervous attack because of the coffee I drink this morning. It affects the bump of my blood.”

Her mother just looks at her with the mix of a doubt and anxiousness but she never asked any further.

That night, Mrs. Jones, their closest neighbor invited them for a dinner because Marcelina’s mom cannot attend as she was taking care of her sick father.  Marcelina and Marcus went on their behalf. She was surprised to see a number of foods and wines on the table in a classy manner. Mrs. Jones was rich yet very kind. She has no son and her husband was long dead. She’d been in Mrs. Jones house a couple of times even before her husband died. She was a motherly old young lady who was always generous of her neighbors who offers neighborhood kids sweets and cookies.

Marcelina dressed up as her mom told her so. There were a number of guests. Most of them were her neighbors but some were people she didn’t know. After a few dances, she’d exchange with Daniel, her best friend, and Mr. Fredrick, her longtime suitor, Mrs. Jones invited them for a dinner.

It was then that she noticed the man she saw earlier. His stunning green eyes, strong jaws, and dirty blonde hair stood out. Mrs. Jones called out her name and introduced her to him.

“Oh Marcelina, the most stunning woman I’d ever seen! Come.” said the old lady as she gesturing her to come and sit beside her. “Mr. Robin, I’d like you to meet her. Marcy, this is Mr. Austin Robin, my grandson from my niece. He’s 21 and a sailor and Mr. Robin, this is Marcelina Sanchez, the most enchanting and the most graceful woman I’d ever met.” Mrs. Jones laughed hysterically before she continued to say, “She’s just 19.”

The young man just smiled while they both bowed down their head.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Marcy.”

After that, a spark flew between each other’s eyes that neither of them ever controlled. He is charming indeed and very gentlemanly. It wasn’t long before the announcer announced a new dance that Mr. Robin asked her hand.

They dance for about an hour before saying goodbye. Mr. Robin brought her to their home as Marcus left the ballroom earlier that night, and proceed to invite her for a walk tomorrow morning.

The next day, Mr. Robin showed up at the door wearing a formal shirt and a fishing equipment. They spend the whole morning talking about each childhood memories until he begun to question her for her first love. Marcelina blush as she never expected him to ask such a bold question. She answered him gracefully.

“I never had a kiss before or make love to someone else,” she laughs shyly.

“I stick into my standard as to whom I will give myself into.”

Mr. Robin smiled and told her, “You’re very innocent but a very tough woman indeed. You have principles!” he exclaimed as she was a little bit embarrassed about his remarks. It wasn’t sooner or later that the two of them begun a close relationship.

Springtime was over and so the summer begins. As the heat of the sun arises so Marcelina and Mr. Robin’s adoration for each other. It wasn’t until the beginning of fall that the two of them make love under the oak tree they used to go with when they were gone fishing. Her mom and her father were all on good terms with him as well as Mrs. Jones.

That night was full of passion and Mr. Robin made sure her first time doesn’t hurt that much. He kissed her so softly down to her neck and to the most sensitive part of her body. He made love to her as if there were no tomorrow, promising that he won’t leave her side.

The next morning, Mr. Robin never came to visit her. She began to freak out but her mom comforted her by telling her that it was just all right as maybe Mr. Robin was just busy with his job as a businessman who always does his traveling. It wasn’t until two nights later that she found out Mr. Robin was gone for good. He never said a thing or two to Mrs. Jones and he neither said goodbye to her or even to her family.

She was completely devastated and broken-hearted about the news. She could not believe that Mr. Robin would be made this far as to scrutinize her feminine gender. She was so naive and indeed a fool about all his good intentions when all he wants was to sleep with her. She cried all alone into her room as her mother tried to comfort her. No one knows that she wasn’t pure anymore; except for herself and the man she hated the most.

Winter came and she hasn’t heard any news from the infamous man. She also began experiencing vomiting and hasn’t had her red days for at least two months. It was then that her mom began suspecting her of a possible pregnancy. She talked to her one night.

“When you began losing your appetite as Mr. Robin was gone, I let it passed as I understand how heartbreaking it was for you. But when you started vomiting every food that I’ve set on the table, I began suspecting something else.”

Mrs. Sanchez old expression hasn’t changed but you can see in her eyes the frustration she had dealt with in the past few days.

“Tell me, Marcy, did you sleep with Mr. Robin the night you went out with him? Before the day he left with no trace?”

Marcelina became stiff and she cannot control her eyes. She started crying as she cannot utter a single word to her mother. Her mother came forward to hug her so tight, whispering in a mumbling voice while she was crying.

“I knew it, that bastard. I knew it, poor Marcelina. Oh! My poor, poor Marcelina.”

She knew that she cannot hide the truth to all her neighbors. Soon they will know the truth-her father, her brother, Mrs. Jones and to all those people who look up at her back then. All they could see was a rubbish woman who lost her purity from a man and impregnated her with his child without even looking back. She was now a not so perfect woman. She will be mocked by their town. She will be called dirty and stupid for giving up the only treasure she ever has to offer to her future husband. Her mom was still tight lip about the whole situation. No sooner than that, her baby bump will grow and so the sizes of the dress she’ll be wearing. She was afraid of what will be going to happen. She was afraid of the future of her child.

To make the matter worst, she received a letter from Mr. Robin telling her how sorry he was for not saying goodbye. He was getting married in the spring to his longtime friend, the woman he cannot forget even if he stayed by Marcelina’s side for almost a year. He was rejected back then by Sophia so he thought that going to his grandma would ease the pain. It wasn’t until they made love that he finally realized who he truly loves. He went back to the town and only to find she was still waiting for him and confess his undying love to her. She was three months pregnant the same exact as her. He told her through a letter that he will give a quarter of his money with her as an apology gift for taking down her purity. Marcelina shook when she reads the letter.

She felt so weak and it wasn’t as much pain as the day Mr. Robin left. It was much worse than it really was. She shut down all her door and as the people of their town soon realized that she was pregnant, the horrible expectation started. Her mom sent her away from the town with Mr. Robin’s money. She gave birth to a baby after the end of summer. She was healthy and has a brunette hair like her mother. She named her Aubrey as a remembrance of all the memories she had with the baby’s father. She has no plan to tell him about everything. She has no plan to tell him what really happened. She didn’t have to but she knew someday her daughter will start questioning her of her lineage. At least, at those times, she won’t cry and stumble when she will meet Mr. Robin. His name alone made her feel sick out of her stomach. She may be lost her virginity to a man who never loves her at the first place but she soon found the purity of love she never has with anyone in her life. The pure unbounded love she felt for her daughter, Aubrey.

A guide to all single mothers: https://www.parents.com/parenting/dynamics/single-parenting/the-single-moms-survival-guide

My Worth

I’m sorry if I made a mistake in falling in love with you. I never thought that I’m so stupid to fall into all sorts of traps you held me. I’m too beautiful for your taste, too beautiful to get rejected, and too worthy of chasing you. I’m sorry if I constantly ask you to be mine once again but I’m tired. Now that I open up my eyes to the real world and the real life, I stop chasing you. Maybe you’re the perfect of all the guys I’ve dated but I’m worth more than a million pounds of diamonds. One day you look back and regret the day you left me. One day you will realize how worth it I am and how foolish you are to ever let me go. I never cheated on you. I give you all the free time I had and give you the space you want. All you gave me was heartache. You’re not worth it. You maybe became a part of me and a sweet romantic guy I know but you’re too immature to face the true challenges of a relationship. It may take sometime before you realize how irrational you’re reasons are for breaking up with me. By those times, I’m free.

I’m sorry if I believe in every “I love you’s” that you said. I know that something is wrong with my head. I eat bugs and drink their pee that I’m too intoxicated in everything that you had said. You took advantage of my innocence. Only time will know who will remain as a winner but by those times I make sure you’ll regret it. Damn! I wasted my time on a bastard like you.

You wanted to know what is going on in my head right now? Well, in my head you’re a person I hate to see and the person I want to suffer. I know it’s bad but I want you to know how mess I am inside.  I will run away from you now because tomorrow, somebody will save me from all your memories. Then at that time, you’ll realize you’re mistaken. By now, you can be happy with who you are with. I won’t let our past be the hindrance for me to find the right guy who knows MY WORTH.

It was all coming back again; the thoughts, the madness, the anxiety, and the stress I’ve been dealing with for these past years. It’s killing me softly. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I wanted to end all of these sufferings with just a click of a gun. I had never been trusted by anyone around me. I was working on my own. Pay the house rent and expenses for school. My family? They all disowned me. My dad never even appreciates all I achieved. All he could see was mistakes and mistakes alone. I worth just a trashcan to them and I don’t deserve this kind of treatment. I deserve to be respected and trusted. They bring me to this world and I never ask them to bring me and just treat me like this.

I had a break up too just ten days ago. This guy just broke up with me because he can’t take the pressure I’m giving into the relationship. Because I had too much problem but I guess it’s not the only reason. Moving on with too much problem is very hard but I am trying my best to do so. I am praying that writing this can help with my depression. I know I’m not the only one having these thoughts. All I could say is fight. We still had ourselves to lean on. People can never understand us. They never would.

 

The Old Memories

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It was another day of fighting my urge to call her…

It’s been six months since she never texted me. I broke up with her because I can’t handle everything that was happening in her life. It felt like a prison to me. I can’t breathe and it choking me on. Despite that, I should have still stayed.

It was the lowest point of her life and yet I just shrug it off. I shouldn’t have left her. Thinking about all those memories we had made me feel homesick. Her embrace was my home, her smile was my strength, and her love was my wealth. For weeks she begged me to take her back but I’m too busy feeding my own ego. I was too angry and too disgusted to see good things that ever happened. Now she doesn’t even talk to me or even sent me messages. She moves on while I’m stuck in the past. I can’t see all her statuses and photos now since she blocked me on Social media just a month ago. I am still secretly wishing she will call me one day and telling how much she misses me. I know I’m stupid for letting her go. I know I’m not worth for her and this was my punishment.

Wherever I looked, I saw her smile, I saw her brown eyes, and I heard her laugh. She always appears in my dreams, in my thoughts, and in every woman that I dated. I try to look for her but I couldn’t find her anywhere. I love her so much and I know losing her was the biggest mistake I ever had. I wanted to return to the day she texted me that her life had been too miserable. We fight because she thought I’m just reading her messages. The truth was I just didn’t know how to respond from that time but if God had given me a chance, I won’t break up with her. I would try to help her in every possible way I could.  If only if I wasn’t a coward.

*Ring, ring, ring, ring*

There’s someone that was calling me…..

I look at the caller I.D and her name exactly pop out on my screen.

“Oh my god! It’s her!”

I know from the moment I saw her name, my heart jumped out of my chest. I had been waiting for this call all my life. Now, she finally called me.

“Hello?” I spoke to another line.

“Jade,”

Her sweet voice is ringing in my ears.

Please, say you miss me and everything would be alright, my princess. I promise I won’t leave you this time. I promise I would stay on your side during your anxiety attacks. I promise I love you until the end. I will do anything for you, just say you want me back. I miss you.

“Yes?” I answered back.

I can hear the excitement in her voice and how she had been through these past six months.

“Can I meet you up at the park? What time are you available?”

” I’m always available.” I found myself saying that without much thinking. I quickly regain my composure by telling her this:

“Ah, no. I’m sorry. I’m available at eleven.” I looked up at the wall clock that was hanging down my ceiling. It’s past nine so it’s a perfect timing. I have two hours to prepare for myself.

“Okay See you there.”

As soon as she hung up the phone, I went straight to bath and shaved all my excesses hair as well as trying to get a good shave with my shoulder-length hair. Then I style it down according to how she likes to style my hair back then. I remember how she softly caressed my hair with her long finger while telling me how good looking I am. This time, I need to be more representable. I need to show to her that I am looking forward to meeting her once more and secretly hoping to be more than her friend.

I arrived before ten, nervously tapping my shoes. How was my look? Do I look handsome today? Does she notice my outfit today? Are we going out on a date? Will she…

Before I could even practice the line of what I wanted to say to her, she already appeared.

Her appearance dramatically change. She’s slimmer than she was before and she colored her hair with blonde. She was now wearing a revealing V neck dress. She looks breath-taking. Then, she sat down next to me and smile.

“How are you these past few months?”

She asked me. I forgot what I need to say next. I forgot everything I had practiced before I even saw her. There’s something with her smile that I had never seen before. It’s shinning and full of energy. I answered to her with a trembling voice.

“I’ve been doing really good. Ho-how about you?”

She smiled once again that enough to stop my world, then she handed me an envelope.

A white envelope with her face smiling wearing a white veil casual dress while holding into a much older man. He was hugging next to her while planting her cheeks with a kiss. My whole world fell and I went into denial and confusion. I re-read once again what was written there but now I regret everything.

 

 

For My Ex-Boyfriend

If I only know you would leave me just because my problems were too much to you, I would never say “yes” in the first place. Because a true man who loves me will always love me no matter how many problems that will come my way. If you only love me, You will never ever gave up on me because you know, leaving me can never bring good for my life. You know I’m on the point of drowning but you drown me even more. Now, all your “I love you more” meant nothing to me. Now, all your promises meant nothing to me. For me, you’re just another guy who only wants my physical appearance but not my heart. Just another guy who will leave me just because I’m a depressed woman. Just another guy who came to break my heart. No, I love you. You just don’t feel the same. No, I did my everything and is ready to forget my family just to be with you but you were not just into me. Now I don’t know how to feel anymore cause I’m already dead inside. You made me who I am today. Now please, don’t go back to me. I don’t need someone like you. Find a woman who is a perfect fit for your high standard criteria and ideality and let see if you’ll ever find a perfect woman that can last you longer. Sometimes an ideal woman never meant to stay because they were just “ideal”. When we start to find who they really were, we start falling out of love with them. That’s what happens to us. Now, love a robot because robot never made mistake and its an ideal perfection for you. An ideal relationship that only existed in your mind. An ideal relationship you’ll soon regret.

 

The Dreamer

 

 

Once a dreamer, once a loser

Once a beggar on the street

Now with much power and money under his sleeve,

He forgets the humbleness in his self.

 

Now with everything he could buy,

He steps onto the back of poor people and let them die

He was blinded with money and material things.

He stole the only penny left for his expense.

 

He grew selfish and proud

Until one day he went bankrupt,

He roams outside the street begging for food and water,

Because of his rudeness, no one ever care.

 

Now dying, his one last wish as a beggar living in the street

That his body will be buried with a peanut seed underneath,

So when it will grow the people can eat

The fruit of his own greediness.

 

Once a dreamer, once a loser

Once a rich man, once a winner

Now an old man dying on the street

And a wish of a single peanut seed

To be planted on his grave.