Category Archives: motivation

Listen to your Instinct

I always saw a lot of people falling in love,

I always witnessed how they feel and how they act,

But something is telling me, those people were not meant to be

And after months, they will end up heartedly.

 

I always saw a lot of people showing their love,

In a public, you might think they good enough

But after so many years, you just know that they broke up

And shrink in a way to a broken heart

 

Cause Love is not about how long the two of you

Being together is not a way you should know

Cause young love is so strong but as the time goes on

You just suddenly know that both of you move on

Your feelings are not a base to know if someone made for you

You need to trust what’s your heart is telling you

Because even how good a relationship was

There is always an ending in the end

Maybe you never made to be lovers but to be friends

 

I always saw a lot of relationship falling apart

Because of differences and really bad fights

Some handle it perfectly, but some not

And that what makes it sadder.

 

Cause Love is not about how long the two of you

Living together is not a way you should know

Cause young love is so strong but as the time goes on

You just suddenly know that both of you move on

Your judgement is not a base if someone made for you

You need to trust what’s your mind is telling you

Because even how good a person was

There is always a bad attitude lurking around

Maybe you just meant to feel that way, or maybe there’s better someone

Either way just be happy cause your journey has just begun

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Purity

 

For them, Marcelina’s beauty was no match than anyone in their town ever been. She was an innocent, naive, sweet and graceful woman who was always been looked up to and been envied by most women. When you see Marcela, you see perfection. All the way from top to bottom, you can never see a single mistake. Even on her face, on her arms and on her legs, she’s as gorgeous as she ever was. She was flawless as the white silk dress she’s always wearing. She has a brunette hair, blue eyes and enchanting smile with her pale skin. No wonder that any man from another town would come to visit her and brought her the rarest flowers and precious gifts just to hear her sweet “yes”.

Marcelina rejected them all for she cannot force herself to love someone she can’t. One of the things she always said to her mom whenever she’s pushing her to dress up for an eligible man was, “No matter what kind of man he was, if I cannot love him, then he’s not worth to be my husband.”

Her mom would stay up silent and just leave the room full of discontentment and vex to her daughter. Her mom’s concern was for her to marry a man who can provide her with anything she needed as her beloved father might die soon and his younger brother might inherit the state they were leaving in. Nothing left for Marcela but the pettiness of her brother to stay in the house with her nieces and nephews if she would not marry, and as always as her mother reminded her of such, Marcela has always another plan.

It wasn’t until the spring was the blooming flowers started to grow that Marcela decided to pick one of the tulips into her mother’s backyard. She’s humming one of the songs that her mom taught to her and to her brother, Marcus, as she was giggling with amusement to herself. Not sooner than that, Marcela noticed a young man, a man with beauty and composure. He was looking directly into the young lad’s eyes that she suddenly felt the rush of different emotions spreading through her veins. Her heart pumped faster that she mistook it for the coffee she drank this morning. The man was ten feet away from their yard and he seemed really mesmerized by her beauty. He smiled at her and she shyly turned around hoping he never take notice of her dumb expression.

She entered the house and met her mom who was cooking roasted chicken and rose salad as her gaze turns towards her.

“What happened to your face, Marcy? Is the spring heat burns your skin?”

“Aye, mama. I was just having a nervous attack because of the coffee I drink this morning. It affects the bump of my blood.”

Her mother just looks at her with the mix of a doubt and anxiousness but she never asked any further.

That night, Mrs. Jones, their closest neighbor invited them for a dinner because Marcelina’s mom cannot attend as she was taking care of her sick father.  Marcelina and Marcus went on their behalf. She was surprised to see a number of foods and wines on the table in a classy manner. Mrs. Jones was rich yet very kind. She has no son and her husband was long dead. She’d been in Mrs. Jones house a couple of times even before her husband died. She was a motherly old young lady who was always generous of her neighbors who offers neighborhood kids sweets and cookies.

Marcelina dressed up as her mom told her so. There were a number of guests. Most of them were her neighbors but some were people she didn’t know. After a few dances, she’d exchange with Daniel, her best friend, and Mr. Fredrick, her longtime suitor, Mrs. Jones invited them for a dinner.

It was then that she noticed the man she saw earlier. His stunning green eyes, strong jaws, and dirty blonde hair stood out. Mrs. Jones called out her name and introduced her to him.

“Oh Marcelina, the most stunning woman I’d ever seen! Come.” said the old lady as she gesturing her to come and sit beside her. “Mr. Robin, I’d like you to meet her. Marcy, this is Mr. Austin Robin, my grandson from my niece. He’s 21 and a sailor and Mr. Robin, this is Marcelina Sanchez, the most enchanting and the most graceful woman I’d ever met.” Mrs. Jones laughed hysterically before she continued to say, “She’s just 19.”

The young man just smiled while they both bowed down their head.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Marcy.”

After that, a spark flew between each other’s eyes that neither of them ever controlled. He is charming indeed and very gentlemanly. It wasn’t long before the announcer announced a new dance that Mr. Robin asked her hand.

They dance for about an hour before saying goodbye. Mr. Robin brought her to their home as Marcus left the ballroom earlier that night, and proceed to invite her for a walk tomorrow morning.

The next day, Mr. Robin showed up at the door wearing a formal shirt and a fishing equipment. They spend the whole morning talking about each childhood memories until he begun to question her for her first love. Marcelina blush as she never expected him to ask such a bold question. She answered him gracefully.

“I never had a kiss before or make love to someone else,” she laughs shyly.

“I stick into my standard as to whom I will give myself into.”

Mr. Robin smiled and told her, “You’re very innocent but a very tough woman indeed. You have principles!” he exclaimed as she was a little bit embarrassed about his remarks. It wasn’t sooner or later that the two of them begun a close relationship.

Springtime was over and so the summer begins. As the heat of the sun arises so Marcelina and Mr. Robin’s adoration for each other. It wasn’t until the beginning of fall that the two of them make love under the oak tree they used to go with when they were gone fishing. Her mom and her father were all on good terms with him as well as Mrs. Jones.

That night was full of passion and Mr. Robin made sure her first time doesn’t hurt that much. He kissed her so softly down to her neck and to the most sensitive part of her body. He made love to her as if there were no tomorrow, promising that he won’t leave her side.

The next morning, Mr. Robin never came to visit her. She began to freak out but her mom comforted her by telling her that it was just all right as maybe Mr. Robin was just busy with his job as a businessman who always does his traveling. It wasn’t until two nights later that she found out Mr. Robin was gone for good. He never said a thing or two to Mrs. Jones and he neither said goodbye to her or even to her family.

She was completely devastated and broken-hearted about the news. She could not believe that Mr. Robin would be made this far as to scrutinize her feminine gender. She was so naive and indeed a fool about all his good intentions when all he wants was to sleep with her. She cried all alone into her room as her mother tried to comfort her. No one knows that she wasn’t pure anymore; except for herself and the man she hated the most.

Winter came and she hasn’t heard any news from the infamous man. She also began experiencing vomiting and hasn’t had her red days for at least two months. It was then that her mom began suspecting her of a possible pregnancy. She talked to her one night.

“When you began losing your appetite as Mr. Robin was gone, I let it passed as I understand how heartbreaking it was for you. But when you started vomiting every food that I’ve set on the table, I began suspecting something else.”

Mrs. Sanchez old expression hasn’t changed but you can see in her eyes the frustration she had dealt with in the past few days.

“Tell me, Marcy, did you sleep with Mr. Robin the night you went out with him? Before the day he left with no trace?”

Marcelina became stiff and she cannot control her eyes. She started crying as she cannot utter a single word to her mother. Her mother came forward to hug her so tight, whispering in a mumbling voice while she was crying.

“I knew it, that bastard. I knew it, poor Marcelina. Oh! My poor, poor Marcelina.”

She knew that she cannot hide the truth to all her neighbors. Soon they will know the truth-her father, her brother, Mrs. Jones and to all those people who look up at her back then. All they could see was a rubbish woman who lost her purity from a man and impregnated her with his child without even looking back. She was now a not so perfect woman. She will be mocked by their town. She will be called dirty and stupid for giving up the only treasure she ever has to offer to her future husband. Her mom was still tight lip about the whole situation. No sooner than that, her baby bump will grow and so the sizes of the dress she’ll be wearing. She was afraid of what will be going to happen. She was afraid of the future of her child.

To make the matter worst, she received a letter from Mr. Robin telling her how sorry he was for not saying goodbye. He was getting married in the spring to his longtime friend, the woman he cannot forget even if he stayed by Marcelina’s side for almost a year. He was rejected back then by Sophia so he thought that going to his grandma would ease the pain. It wasn’t until they made love that he finally realized who he truly loves. He went back to the town and only to find she was still waiting for him and confess his undying love to her. She was three months pregnant the same exact as her. He told her through a letter that he will give a quarter of his money with her as an apology gift for taking down her purity. Marcelina shook when she reads the letter.

She felt so weak and it wasn’t as much pain as the day Mr. Robin left. It was much worse than it really was. She shut down all her door and as the people of their town soon realized that she was pregnant, the horrible expectation started. Her mom sent her away from the town with Mr. Robin’s money. She gave birth to a baby after the end of summer. She was healthy and has a brunette hair like her mother. She named her Aubrey as a remembrance of all the memories she had with the baby’s father. She has no plan to tell him about everything. She has no plan to tell him what really happened. She didn’t have to but she knew someday her daughter will start questioning her of her lineage. At least, at those times, she won’t cry and stumble when she will meet Mr. Robin. His name alone made her feel sick out of her stomach. She may be lost her virginity to a man who never loves her at the first place but she soon found the purity of love she never has with anyone in her life. The pure unbounded love she felt for her daughter, Aubrey.

A guide to all single mothers: https://www.parents.com/parenting/dynamics/single-parenting/the-single-moms-survival-guide

The Chivalry Is dead

As I was looking for noodles to eat this dinner on seven-eleven since our boarding house don’t have a kitchen, I stumble upon this two guys. Although I’ve seen too many guys that were selfish and were very proud, today I witnessed disturbing attitudes of modern guys. I see how the chivalry was slowly dying in our culture and the gracefulness of our women.

What happened was while I was looking for a chair, two teachers who just finished eating asked me if the bag on that table was mine and I firmly said no. They asked me twice if I have someone with me and I still decline and normally responded to them that I’m alone.They then turn to the other table talking about the carelessness of the owner for just leaving their bag somewhere. As they were talking aloud, the security guard overhears them and proceed to get the bag on the table. I was stirring my noodles as it was freshly poured with hot water. While I was sitting, a guy rushed to me and said in a very loud voice that made the whole place suddenly got quiet as I was there sitting and looking at him.

“Are you the one who handed my bag to the security guard?!”

I told him that I don’t have an idea and didn’t participate in anything with regards to his bag.

“I don’t know. He just suddenly gets it from the table.”

The teachers then spoke to him telling that they mistook it as carelessness.

Let me give you a small background in our culture. We tend to leave our bags (except for our money and phones) to the table so that nobody will ever sit on it as it was “reserved”. Perhaps, people get it most of the time. So the teachers says exactly same thing,

“Oh, we thought that someone leaves it on the table and forget to get it back. We didn’t mean to bother you.”

He then proceeds to ask me to find a new table. WHAT THE HECK. I was angry literally but I never intended to insult anyone prior to what he just said to me about his bag. I can clearly remember what he said to me in Cebuano dialect.

“Miss, if you had someone with you, please find another table.”

Then I told him “No” while the teacher was still talking about their mistake. He then said it twice again and I again decline. For the third time I said “no”, I included to the speech that I’m totally alone but this time the teacher was about to leave so she interrupted and said’ “Oh we’re about to leave. Just sit here.” Their paper plates and plastic cups were still there at the table since the service crew hasn’t put it into the trashcan.

I was really eyeing the two of them since their table was just next to mine. In my mind, I wanted to insult them for lacking gentlemanliness in their attitude. The table is quite big. It can fit entirely four people and there were only two of them! Only two and all are men. How can they mistreat a woman like me? They don’t know what good conduct and good manner are.

I know that guys are slowly becoming more aggressive this year. Showing only their “gentleman” side to the people they know or just for their girlfriends. Its just stupidity and lack of respect towards a woman which I may say one of the things I really hate.

Then 5 minutes later, I got up and leave my bags on the table as I grab for a water to drink. When I came back, two men were already sitting on my table. I just let them be as I’m not that harsh as the other two “men” who were across the table on us.

The wives of these two men were still buying foods so I took the opportunity to eat as fast as I could. Meanwhile, they were talking about their friend who was a lover of a married woman. I just patiently eat while they talk about a lot of things and although I heard them, I was just constantly and silently enjoying my food. when the other guy that sits beside me ask, “Am I right, Miss?”

I say nothing. Then he proceeds to ask where was my husband.

In my mind, I was totally annoyed so I stared at him in disbelief. Can’t he tell I’m too young to be mistaken as a married woman? And excuse me, Not all people who ate at seven-eleven alone were all married. What the heck he is talking about? I raised one of my eyebrows while he was giving me a pervert look. I told him,

“No. I’m still studying.” with a cold voice and eat once again. He asked me about where and what year and I just reply to a short message. He then proceeds to talk to his companion about not getting married at an early age and told me that I should get a husband.

This angers me more but knowing as an ENFP myself, I just let it pass as I avoid conflict that much and never wanted to hurt people’s feelings.

That’s why I’m letting all my feelings get out on this blog. I’m not married, I’m still 19 and I’m a college student with a bachelor degree. Only a stupid guy will mistake me for a fucking married woman. I dress neatly and I put my hair in a ponytail. Only a guy with arrogant nature can reject me to sit at a table and shout at me in a very extravagant voice. I hate guys here, to be honest.

Maybe its because due to the fact I’m darker than most girls. If I happen to have a fairer skin they might show a little chivalry or the guy sitting next to me wouldn’t give me the account and remark as a married woman.

Most women who marry at an early age were dark-skin due to the fact that they were on the farm and doing hard labor for their family so they will always be exposed as dirty workers who married at a very young age to a very poor man also.

Yeah, most Asian countries were racist, I tell you. That’s why when I get married someday, I don’t wanna get involved with any guy here, let alone marriage. I don’t want to inject glutathione into my skin to become lighter just to lure any guys that I like. Sorry. I concluded that chivalry was already dead for a man who looks down at a darker-skin woman because she just looks dirty.

Women want ‘modern chivalry’ – but find it’s rare | IOL Lifestyle: https://www.iol.co.za/…/women-want-modern-chivalry—but-find-its-rare-10606989

  The Unrequited

 

They say if you stumble upon romantic love, make sure you won’t come across to the worst form of it, the unrequited love. Why? It is because unrequited is a love or attraction that never returned or rewarded. If you fall in love with someone who doesn’t felt the same way, chances are you’re in a squad of people who fall into the depths of unreturned love.

One story stands out amongst the lilies of the pond. Kemberly was still in her elementary days when her parents decided to split up. Her father gave up her custody to her aunt, his youngest sister, who became her sole guardian for the last decade. Her aunt did not give the love of a parental figure Kemberly desired. When it came to chores around the house, she was more willing to comply than most of her cousins. Yet sadly with her aunt’s uncontrollable temper, she ended up getting scolded, being slapped and having bruises.

Growing up in that kind of family was quite the challenge. With no parents to cling to and showed her love, she started to become less dependent and spend more time to herself. She would read books about fantastic couples or tragic romantic stories and was often seen by the river banks looking into an abyss of nothingness. Sadly, it was the only way that she could cope her anxiety and stress. She sometimes saw herself as a damsel in distress being saved by her Prince Charming and believing that one day she will meet her knight in shining armor. It was not until she met a boy named Brandon that she started to realize something much deeper.

They become friends one day during the preparation for their Intramurals. She was one of the contestants in debate and he was also one of the contestants on the other divisions. They’ve become friends and since then their ties become much more than just that, labeling each other as close siblings.

They hang out mostly in each other’s houses letting the suspicious eyes raised into them by the students in their school. People saw them as a couple or M.U’s which stands for friends with “mutual understanding”, but Kemberly and Brandon kept denying the fact since they knew, there was no label in their friendship.

It wasn’t long after Kemberly realize her big mistakes. She was in love with her best friend. She caught herself looking at Brandon’s eyes with much more passion and devotion. She hides it hoping Brandon would show the same kind of interest on her, but it didn’t happen.

One day, a plethora of rumors about Brandon’s another woman had aroused and since then, people keep asking questions about their true relationship. People walked by and asked her if they already broke up and she would just be nice and told them, “There was no ‘us’. We’re just friends.”

She knows nothing more about the new woman. Though she knows it was a mortal sin to stalk her best friend, she did it anyway. There, she found the first evidence of her first heartache. The caption “I finally met the angel of my life.” broke her heart for millions and millions of shuttering pieces. Looking at the picture make her stomach release chemicals she never knew existed. Heartbroken and rejected, she finally stumble upon her desk and cried. The summer vacation Brandon brag on her during summer turns out to be much more than just that. During that vacation, he met Vanessa, a tall and beautiful young student model the same age as them. She was sweet and kind that the second he laid his eyes on her, it was an instant attraction. It was the first time Brandon felt love and it was all written in his profile.

For the first time, Kemberly felt betrayed by a person who never betrayed her at the first place. She told herself, ‘You need to move on now and find other else to focus on. Forget him, Kemberly…’ but moving on was not an easy word. She did everything she could but found herself running back to him, who holds the biggest part of her heart.

She found herself confronting him.

“Why you didn’t tell me?”

“I am planning to surprise you,” he said.

“But now the whole campus knows except me! I’m your best friend, Brand. Why you didn’t tell me this?”

“Well, you are still going to meet her since she will be transferring to our school. So I thought it would be nice to introduce the two of you in person.”

That would be the last thing Kemberly ever heard. She cannot recall the first nor the last thing he said after that. Her mind was full of confusion and rejection. All she could think was the pain she felt inside.

Love was the most complicated word ever existed and the only word that has no exact meaning. When and how could you tell you are in love with someone and when and how will it stop? The question was on Kemberly’s head for months.  The question of when will be her unrequited love lasts. She respected that Brandon was giving her less and less of his time. She knows Vanessa was jealous of her and that would be the last thing to do since she was the main reason for their argument. She knows that being Brandon’s best friend was more than enough than losing him.

She adopted the motto, “It is better to feel love and pain than to feel nothing at all because it was a sign that we are human”. We fall in love, we feel pain, we feel happy and we feel sadness. All these things are balanced and were in place that makes the world equilibrium.

She continues to love Brandon in distance. She helped him during their anniversaries, preparing for food and shopping for teddy bears and chocolates he will give as a present. She was there during his ups and downs. She was there during their breakups and reassuring him that they will eventually go back together and they did.

Eventually, during their graduation day, Kemberly witnessed the most changing moments of her life. After he gave her a diamond necklace perfectly curved with letter “K”, he and Vanessa broke up without giving him any reason. After the graduation ball ended, he went straight to their home and pulled the trigger but she stopped him. With her teary eyes, she told him,

“One girl is not enough to pay for your life,”

“But I love her, Kemberly! You would never understand because you were never been in love!”

“Who told you I was never been in love?”

He looked at her with doubtful eyes and still  holding the rifle in his hand. She was crying so hard that she can barely see him.

“Why? You never told me you were in love before,”

Kemberly made her composure and told her self ‘This is it,’ the end of their friendship and the last day of her secret. It didn’t matter any more than his life. This time he needs to know that she had enough pain that he actually has. This time she needed to tell him everything.

“I have been in love before,”

“To whom?” he spoke so confusedly that you can almost see the tiredness on his face.

“To you.”

A moment of silence feels within the space between them. It was not long before Brandon begins to laugh.

“Are you kidding me? We’re just friends!”

Yes, Friends. How many times will you slap me with the truth that you can never see me romantically? How many times will I attend your tantrums every single time she broke up with you? How many times will you made me cry? How many times will you kill me slowly? How long will I be able to be patient with you? I don’t think you even deserve my care and yet I am still here begging you not to kill yourself? Is everything I did not enough? Is my love for you not enough?

With all those silence bullets inside her heart, Kemberly responded the only thing she thought was right.

“I am serious Brandon. I didn’t come here to beg for you not to end your life just because you’re my friend and I care for you! I came here because of one simple reason−love. No, I didn’t come here to beg you to love me too. I came here to tell you that what you experienced isn’t as much as I have for these past three years. Seeing the man you were in love with into the arms of another woman is like living in a planet with no water. It’s slowly killing me and painfully tearing me apart.”

She step a little bit closer to the still-shocked Brandon. With each slowly painful step, she finally managed to get his trembling hand and point the rifle to her heart.

“If there would be one person that needs to die, it should be me. I already had enough, heard enough and experienced enough. The day of your first kiss, the day you lost your innocence, the day of your first heart ache… I’ve seen them all. I’ve seen how you’ve changed from a simple man to a man you are today, and I’m secretly wishing I was the reason behind it. I am secretly wishing that you will look at me with the same bright eyes you did on her. I am secretly wishing I was the first person to taste your lips. I am secretly wishing that you will look at me one day and you will realise I am different than anyone you’ve dated. No−I ended up in frustration because even the biggest changes like the new color of my hair or the way I dress never seem to affect you. I started to realise that maybe this love was not made to be returned at all. It was made to sacrifice.”

Brandon was silent all those times with his eyes bursting into tears as he looked into the deepest soul of Kemberly. All of these years he never realized how much sacrifice she made for him, and for his selfish wishes. All of these years, he just treated her like a shadow that can only be noticed when there’s a bright sun pointing towards his body. He made her feel worthless, unloved and uncared when she was the only one that loves him all along.

“Next time,” she continued with a whispering voice, “when you see yourself giving up on everything in the name of love−remember me. Love is not true when you don’t put sacrifices on it. Be glad you feel pain and don’t see it as the reason to kill yourself. Imagine it as a gift you gave to someone you love without asking any in return, and you will likely to feel the genuine happiness you never had when someone loves you back; contentment, peace, and pure love.”

Brandon lowered his rifle and began to feel ashamed about himself. He never realized how much pain he gave neither on Kemberly nor to his own self. He did not even consider the feelings of the other people around him. One girl is not enough to end his life.

Many years had passed since that fateful day. She went to Manila to pursue her career in medicine while he stayed to their town in hopes of blooming up their business. Eventually, he lost his contact on her. Their friendship was never been the same since that day she admitted the truth. Awkwardness was all around. Whenever they went on each other, he refused to speak on her making it more unpleasant and painful for her. Although, it’s been a long time since, rumors were still around. Others said she got married from a man on the other town, but others were still skeptical and  believed that Kemberly never moved on from her hopeless love on him. Some spotted her by a window not far from Brandon’s new apartment. Others said she was in disguise.

Meanwhile, Brandon was celebrating his wedding night on a small cruise. They both rented with his wife, a woman named Audrey. While the party was going on, he and his wife went near the deck when she suddenly slipped over with her gown. She fell into the icy water.

Seeing this, he jumped off as fast as he could before a shark went near the distance closer to his wife. He managed to get her out of the water with the ship’s crew member’s help but unfortunately he slip back again. Wounded, he attracted two more sharks. On the midst of the chaos, a woman who was wearing a black leathered jacket came forward and saved him. He managed to hold her but as he did, the sharks bite off half of her body and tossed her into the mid air. The only remains in that woman was a necklace gorgeously carved in letter “K” and a greeting card dropped on the floor with a quote from Abraham Cowley,

A mighty pain to love it is, and ‘tis a pain that pain to miss; But of all pains, the greatest pain, it is to love, but love in vain.”

~The End~

Rules for Unrequited Love

 

Rule No.1

  Never beg for their attention,

  You’re only making yourself a fool

  They will feel more disgusted with you

  Avoiding you more and more

 

Rule No.2

  Avoid waiting for their messages

  They will never ever put an effort to read it

  Even if they do, for them, 

  It’s just useless.

 

Rule No.3

   Stop dreaming of them loving you back

   Because no matter what you’ll do

   Unrequited love will always remain unrequited love

 

Rule No.4

   Move on and forget it happened

   It might be hard but it’s worth it in the end

   Learn to walk away on things not meant to be

   God will send the one when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely

 

Rule No.5

   Ask help from God

   No one can ever heal your heart more than him

   Ask for his help according to his plan

   Maybe He’s working his way to meet your man.

 

As I sum it all up, I observe and see

Love is sacrificial as it is to be

You need to love the sound of your feet walking away

On something not meant to be.

My Worth

I’m sorry if I made a mistake in falling in love with you. I never thought that I’m so stupid to fall into all sorts of traps you held me. I’m too beautiful for your taste, too beautiful to get rejected, and too worthy of chasing you. I’m sorry if I constantly ask you to be mine once again but I’m tired. Now that I open up my eyes to the real world and the real life, I stop chasing you. Maybe you’re the perfect of all the guys I’ve dated but I’m worth more than a million pounds of diamonds. One day you look back and regret the day you left me. One day you will realize how worth it I am and how foolish you are to ever let me go. I never cheated on you. I give you all the free time I had and give you the space you want. All you gave me was heartache. You’re not worth it. You maybe became a part of me and a sweet romantic guy I know but you’re too immature to face the true challenges of a relationship. It may take sometime before you realize how irrational you’re reasons are for breaking up with me. By those times, I’m free.

I’m sorry if I believe in every “I love you’s” that you said. I know that something is wrong with my head. I eat bugs and drink their pee that I’m too intoxicated in everything that you had said. You took advantage of my innocence. Only time will know who will remain as a winner but by those times I make sure you’ll regret it. Damn! I wasted my time on a bastard like you.

You wanted to know what is going on in my head right now? Well, in my head you’re a person I hate to see and the person I want to suffer. I know it’s bad but I want you to know how mess I am inside.  I will run away from you now because tomorrow, somebody will save me from all your memories. Then at that time, you’ll realize you’re mistaken. By now, you can be happy with who you are with. I won’t let our past be the hindrance for me to find the right guy who knows MY WORTH.

It was all coming back again; the thoughts, the madness, the anxiety, and the stress I’ve been dealing with for these past years. It’s killing me softly. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I wanted to end all of these sufferings with just a click of a gun. I had never been trusted by anyone around me. I was working on my own. Pay the house rent and expenses for school. My family? They all disowned me. My dad never even appreciates all I achieved. All he could see was mistakes and mistakes alone. I worth just a trashcan to them and I don’t deserve this kind of treatment. I deserve to be respected and trusted. They bring me to this world and I never ask them to bring me and just treat me like this.

I had a break up too just ten days ago. This guy just broke up with me because he can’t take the pressure I’m giving into the relationship. Because I had too much problem but I guess it’s not the only reason. Moving on with too much problem is very hard but I am trying my best to do so. I am praying that writing this can help with my depression. I know I’m not the only one having these thoughts. All I could say is fight. We still had ourselves to lean on. People can never understand us. They never would.