Category Archives: hope

The Chivalry Is dead

As I was looking for noodles to eat this dinner on seven-eleven since our boarding house don’t have a kitchen, I stumble upon this two guys. Although I’ve seen too many guys that were selfish and were very proud, today I witnessed disturbing attitudes of modern guys. I see how the chivalry was slowly dying in our culture and the gracefulness of our women.

What happened was while I was looking for a chair, two teachers who just finished eating asked me if the bag on that table was mine and I firmly said no. They asked me twice if I have someone with me and I still decline and normally responded to them that I’m alone.They then turn to the other table talking about the carelessness of the owner for just leaving their bag somewhere. As they were talking aloud, the security guard overhears them and proceed to get the bag on the table. I was stirring my noodles as it was freshly poured with hot water. While I was sitting, a guy rushed to me and said in a very loud voice that made the whole place suddenly got quiet as I was there sitting and looking at him.

“Are you the one who handed my bag to the security guard?!”

I told him that I don’t have an idea and didn’t participate in anything with regards to his bag.

“I don’t know. He just suddenly gets it from the table.”

The teachers then spoke to him telling that they mistook it as carelessness.

Let me give you a small background in our culture. We tend to leave our bags (except for our money and phones) to the table so that nobody will ever sit on it as it was “reserved”. Perhaps, people get it most of the time. So the teachers says exactly same thing,

“Oh, we thought that someone leaves it on the table and forget to get it back. We didn’t mean to bother you.”

He then proceeds to ask me to find a new table. WHAT THE HECK. I was angry literally but I never intended to insult anyone prior to what he just said to me about his bag. I can clearly remember what he said to me in Cebuano dialect.

“Miss, if you had someone with you, please find another table.”

Then I told him “No” while the teacher was still talking about their mistake. He then said it twice again and I again decline. For the third time I said “no”, I included to the speech that I’m totally alone but this time the teacher was about to leave so she interrupted and said’ “Oh we’re about to leave. Just sit here.” Their paper plates and plastic cups were still there at the table since the service crew hasn’t put it into the trashcan.

I was really eyeing the two of them since their table was just next to mine. In my mind, I wanted to insult them for lacking gentlemanliness in their attitude. The table is quite big. It can fit entirely four people and there were only two of them! Only two and all are men. How can they mistreat a woman like me? They don’t know what good conduct and good manner are.

I know that guys are slowly becoming more aggressive this year. Showing only their “gentleman” side to the people they know or just for their girlfriends. Its just stupidity and lack of respect towards a woman which I may say one of the things I really hate.

Then 5 minutes later, I got up and leave my bags on the table as I grab for a water to drink. When I came back, two men were already sitting on my table. I just let them be as I’m not that harsh as the other two “men” who were across the table on us.

The wives of these two men were still buying foods so I took the opportunity to eat as fast as I could. Meanwhile, they were talking about their friend who was a lover of a married woman. I just patiently eat while they talk about a lot of things and although I heard them, I was just constantly and silently enjoying my food. when the other guy that sits beside me ask, “Am I right, Miss?”

I say nothing. Then he proceeds to ask where was my husband.

In my mind, I was totally annoyed so I stared at him in disbelief. Can’t he tell I’m too young to be mistaken as a married woman? And excuse me, Not all people who ate at seven-eleven alone were all married. What the heck he is talking about? I raised one of my eyebrows while he was giving me a pervert look. I told him,

“No. I’m still studying.” with a cold voice and eat once again. He asked me about where and what year and I just reply to a short message. He then proceeds to talk to his companion about not getting married at an early age and told me that I should get a husband.

This angers me more but knowing as an ENFP myself, I just let it pass as I avoid conflict that much and never wanted to hurt people’s feelings.

That’s why I’m letting all my feelings get out on this blog. I’m not married, I’m still 19 and I’m a college student with a bachelor degree. Only a stupid guy will mistake me for a fucking married woman. I dress neatly and I put my hair in a ponytail. Only a guy with arrogant nature can reject me to sit at a table and shout at me in a very extravagant voice. I hate guys here, to be honest.

Maybe its because due to the fact I’m darker than most girls. If I happen to have a fairer skin they might show a little chivalry or the guy sitting next to me wouldn’t give me the account and remark as a married woman.

Most women who marry at an early age were dark-skin due to the fact that they were on the farm and doing hard labor for their family so they will always be exposed as dirty workers who married at a very young age to a very poor man also.

Yeah, most Asian countries were racist, I tell you. That’s why when I get married someday, I don’t wanna get involved with any guy here, let alone marriage. I don’t want to inject glutathione into my skin to become lighter just to lure any guys that I like. Sorry. I concluded that chivalry was already dead for a man who looks down at a darker-skin woman because she just looks dirty.

Women want ‘modern chivalry’ – but find it’s rare | IOL Lifestyle: https://www.iol.co.za/…/women-want-modern-chivalry—but-find-its-rare-10606989

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My Worth

I’m sorry if I made a mistake in falling in love with you. I never thought that I’m so stupid to fall into all sorts of traps you held me. I’m too beautiful for your taste, too beautiful to get rejected, and too worthy of chasing you. I’m sorry if I constantly ask you to be mine once again but I’m tired. Now that I open up my eyes to the real world and the real life, I stop chasing you. Maybe you’re the perfect of all the guys I’ve dated but I’m worth more than a million pounds of diamonds. One day you look back and regret the day you left me. One day you will realize how worth it I am and how foolish you are to ever let me go. I never cheated on you. I give you all the free time I had and give you the space you want. All you gave me was heartache. You’re not worth it. You maybe became a part of me and a sweet romantic guy I know but you’re too immature to face the true challenges of a relationship. It may take sometime before you realize how irrational you’re reasons are for breaking up with me. By those times, I’m free.

I’m sorry if I believe in every “I love you’s” that you said. I know that something is wrong with my head. I eat bugs and drink their pee that I’m too intoxicated in everything that you had said. You took advantage of my innocence. Only time will know who will remain as a winner but by those times I make sure you’ll regret it. Damn! I wasted my time on a bastard like you.

You wanted to know what is going on in my head right now? Well, in my head you’re a person I hate to see and the person I want to suffer. I know it’s bad but I want you to know how mess I am inside.  I will run away from you now because tomorrow, somebody will save me from all your memories. Then at that time, you’ll realize you’re mistaken. By now, you can be happy with who you are with. I won’t let our past be the hindrance for me to find the right guy who knows MY WORTH.

It was all coming back again; the thoughts, the madness, the anxiety, and the stress I’ve been dealing with for these past years. It’s killing me softly. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I wanted to end all of these sufferings with just a click of a gun. I had never been trusted by anyone around me. I was working on my own. Pay the house rent and expenses for school. My family? They all disowned me. My dad never even appreciates all I achieved. All he could see was mistakes and mistakes alone. I worth just a trashcan to them and I don’t deserve this kind of treatment. I deserve to be respected and trusted. They bring me to this world and I never ask them to bring me and just treat me like this.

I had a break up too just ten days ago. This guy just broke up with me because he can’t take the pressure I’m giving into the relationship. Because I had too much problem but I guess it’s not the only reason. Moving on with too much problem is very hard but I am trying my best to do so. I am praying that writing this can help with my depression. I know I’m not the only one having these thoughts. All I could say is fight. We still had ourselves to lean on. People can never understand us. They never would.

 

Plastic

I don’t understand the reason for plastic surgery,

Why can’t someone accept their natural beauty?

They’ve been destroying all their body parts little by little

Replacing their flesh with toxic and fake fiber.

 

Maybe it’s because of how the society acts and talks

Maybe it’s because of bullying folks

Maybe it’s because of insecurity and inferiority

Or their obsession with ideal beauty.

 

It’s sad to see people going under the knife

They were much prettier with their natural face,

Now they look more disturbed and distorted,

Filter their faces with light and darkness

 

To all the people out there who never felt acceptable

Love thyself and do things according to virtue

Instead of spending a million bucks to a plastic fake nose job

Give it to the poor people who needed much

 

In that way, you’re much prettier than any plastic beauty this world has to offer

Because your heart is full of love and humbleness

A beauty that worth more than a million bucks

Maintaining its natural resources no matter what.

More than just a Stone

 

 

You’re sad because he dump you?

Be glad that he does,

You’re worth is more than the man who friend zoned you,

Show to him that he lost a sapphire like you.

One day you will find that one last guy for you.

Treated you like a precious jade and love you so true

Then you’ll realized all along you’re just crying for a stone

And not from a diamond you were truly belong.

Beauty is a Fallacy

 

Wherever I go or whatever kind of place I am,

I always see a billboard with a woman

A white skin, a straight hair, a long nose, a small face

The ideal beauty that every woman wish.

 

My friends always say my rich chocolate skin is ugly

I would be much prettier without it.

They said my curly hair looks like a broom without a handle

My height is “too small” for an old teenager.

 

All these years I just swallow everything,

As I’m inferior than most of women I’ve seen.

In my class I was the only one with much darker skin,

That’s why “nigger” is my name.

 

All these years I just learn to love,

My height, my skin, my imperfections and doubts

I don’t blame God for making me this

I just hate the standard beauty I need to achieve.

 

I’d never seen a much darker Filipina in any advertisement

I’d never seen a woman with my color been praised

I’d never experience someone told me “You’re skin is very pretty”

All I can hear is “what ifs” from people with narrow heads in terms of real beauty.

 

Beauty isn’t about my skin color or my height or my hair

Beauty is about uniqueness and being fair

Beauty isn’t about fashion and beauty trends

Beauty is the ability to appreciate someone for whom they’ve been.

 

I tell them that beauty isn’t always what you can see.

It’s an illusion and a fallacy,

It’s a kind of perception with different meaning,

No standard beauty is alike as we’re peculiar being.

 

Yet people put label on things,

If you’re dark, you’re ugly; if you’re white, you’re pretty

When in fact beauty is just temporary,

What beneath that flawless skin wasn’t a doll,

What remains that pretty face was a skull.

 

Yes, they might be gorgeous with their skin, their hair, their height

But how about the inside of their heart?

Is it white and flawless as they’ve been?

Or darker than the darkest of a human skin?

 

It’s like telling God how ugly and unpleasant everything He creates.

As if there still a beauty left after death.

As if God will asked how beautiful you are on Earth,

As if He cared more about your face and not your deeds.