“The closest to my heart”

This actually what I used to call this girl I once knew. We had a very complex relationship…but I will try to simplify it the best I can. She was the most amazing girl ever, I loved her and she loved me. Things weren’t always great, we had our flaws. My problem was I wasn’t open enough. I help back on my feelings, I lied sometimes  because I was an idiot. I wasn’t always there when I should have been and I wasn’t as supportive as I should have been. I really loved this girl but she wasn’t perfect either. She was extremely insecure and basically was the cause of her problems. She would get jealous for the smallest things. She always was easily annoyed and triggered a lot of argument, (pointless) but very long arguments. It didn’t help that we were from two very different worlds. She had a rather conservative black and white world and  I lived in a very grey liberal world. We had almost the same core values. We both poetry and the arts. We loved learning and knowledge itself, despite our flaws and differences. We weren’t perfect individual but we were perfect for each other. we were perfect in our imperfections. Despite all of those problems, this wasn’t what separated us. About a month before we parted ways my life took an unexpected turn. I was facing massive financial troubles. I could no longer afford school, I didn’t even know how much longer my family was going to afford the very we were living. We made some very big budgets cuts. I became very busy at work and my physical health was failing. We could no longer afford to talk everyday. I end up leaving all the accounts I had held online. I was very depressed for a while. When i decided to come back to my accounts, the obvious had happen. Everyone had forgotten about me. Anyone I used to talk to online simply wouldn’t reply, even she had left me. I E-mailed her a couple times she never responded. I now have to assume that she moved on to bigger better things than me. I have no one to blame but myself. I wish I could turn back time to the good old days where we could message each other all day. I failed her because I am the one who left.  Now I am all alone…I hope where is happy where ever she might be. 🙂 :/


295 thoughts on ““The closest to my heart”

  1. Well she can never leave you!!! And she hasn’t left you!! She just don’t have the situation to read e-mails, probably because she lost her gadgets. And I guess she is alone as well. She can never forget you!

    • she probably left me and moved on, i will never move n but understand if she does. her leaving me is punishment for my mistakes. I was never a good lover :/ I just wish she would talk to me again by email. wait, do you know who i am talking about? who are you?!!!!!!!

  2. She can never leave you! She still loves you. The thing is that she lost her phone and lost forgot the password of her email. She thought you betrayed her, and that you lied to her about losing wifi. So she really started hating you!!! But now she knows that she’s is not in pain alone. Now just pray for her so that everything ends well with her and she
    can make everyone smile through her academic achievements. She will be extremely busy with her studies till June!!! And I’m sorry I can’t reveal who I’m any sooner than that. Goodbye, stay well. She HASN’T left you!! Just keep that in mind wherever you might be.

    • I just wish she does more for herself and learn to relax more. maybe you know personally. just let her know that i missed her, let her know to do things that makes her happy sometimes and life isn’t about making people happy. take time for herself sometimes. I hope she is doing well, tell her i am not well at all, but i hope she is.

    • oh i am sorry, i don’t know who you are because you won’t tell me so i assume you were a guy who knows the person i am talking about. it would help if you would tell me who you are lady.

  3. Well that’s for her to decide…it’s her life, not yours!! She doesn’t like people who dominates her, as far as I know. So stop deciding what she’s gonna do and when.

  4. And do you think she is doing just fine?? Well not at all!! She is suffering from severe neck pain and yet she has to work hard. She’s frustrated, exhausted but still she’s trying her utmost!! Take care…

    • I hope she doesn’t overwork herself like she usually does. I will hate her a lot more than she can hate me if she let overwork herself again. i may not be able to control what she does but i control what i do… her punishment will be severe. but it won’t matter because whether i hate or love her doesn’t matter to her.

  5. But I would tell her something opposite. I will tell her that you want her to work even harder!!! That’s what I’m gonna tell her, that you said so. 😛

    • why would you say such a thing!!! i hate it when she is always hurting like that!!! don’t get me wrong i am happy that she is working hard. Her hard work is one of the many things i love about her but i hate it even more wen she is in pain 😦 if she gets hrut i will blame it on you! i will still punish her if she gets hurt too much because she knows how much i hate seeing her in pain. please don’t play with my emotions and tell what i said lady.

    • thank you 🙂 I know she won’t listen to me to be honest…she will out herself until she gets what she wants. she is just that kind of person. i guess it won’t matter even if you do tell her since she won’t listen. can you give me a hint as to who you are?

  6. Well great things have already come to an end in her life a long time back, soon after you left her. So maybe it won’t affect her that much.

  7. There’s nothing new to settle…you left her, broke your promise, lied to her and betrayed her. She knows that. I don’t know if she would trust you again. She knows everything has already ended. You left her. She may not even come back and talk to you. She’s really dissapointed with you because of your lies.

    • lol a toy huh? then why even bother at all, if i am so wrong for her then i must do the right thing, which is t let her go. like you said i am no good to her. she better off without me. she is smart, beautiful and extremly unique person.she doesn’t need me. i am the one who need her. she can do better and should. there is no point in telling her the news then. i hope she moves one and find someone worthy of her. any guy would be lucky to have her, and i don’t deserve such blessing. Leave me like i did right? it’s only fair. leave me alone just like she found me. as long as she is happy with or without me i am fine. just make sure that she trully is happy without me, then i will be okay.

    • you know what? such a manipulator, a user who use you and play with her feelings, i would be shock if your friend ever returned. i am a terrible person, the worst clearly, so there is no need to complain about me anymore since i am gone. it’s like someone saying “i hate this food it is so disgusting and i am allergic to it” and that person proceed to eat the food? why?!!! no one would ever do that. there is no logic to it. if something is bad for her, stay away from that thing as far as possible. according to her I am such a terrible person so it makes sense for her to stay away from me. She has been ignoring my email so i guess she is ignoring me. if she was to come back that means she has no logic. She is a smart girl so naturally she will stay away from such a bad guy like me. you know what? now that i know how she really feels about me i will grant her wish and end the manipulation and the toying….i will stay away from her forever she she no longer has to deal with that and can find someone better. tell her we should never talk so that will end her pain. all i have ever wanted was for her pain to be gone, now i see this the only solution is. no more arguments, no more manipulation and no more pain, if we not together none of this will happen. i hope she finds happiness with that someone better. since she can do better because she deserve better.

    • How can she feel save arround a guy who used her? It’s like saying i feel safe arround a killer. That person who is willing to use you like that does not deserve you. She can do better and should. I am not the best. She knows this so this is why she is thinking of maybe not coming back.

  8. Well there’s one thing she said. She said that you’re the only one she loves talking to when she is very sad. You are the only one who makes her happy. She even said thinking about you makes her feel better!

    • It still makes no sense. It like saying the person who loves me hurts me. People who live other people dont hurt the person they love. Your love is caused by my manipulation. Doesnt she wants the manipulation end?

  9. Listen, maybe you know this thing about her. When she’s really exhausted and frustrated, she says whatever comes in her mind but don’t really mean it. The same thing happened that day. She was highly exhausted and frustrated, so she said whatever she felt like without even knowing what she was really saying!!

    • No this isnt the first time she said that. She said it a few times before. When you say something like that more than 3 times it means you really belive it. She really belives this but always apologize for saying because she doesn’t want to be rude. But she really thinks that. I am no good to her so i must leave

  10. Well you sound as if you really want to leave her. Even after she says that she feels safe when you are with her, that is not important to you, you still want to leave her for what she said tho you know she was exhausted. I think you are the one whose not happy to be with her, so you are trying to find a scope so that you can leave her. Well that’s for you to decide. If you want to leave her for small reasons then leave her. You are the one who always leaves her. If you leave, I’ll tell her that you are not happy because of her, and so you left her. That’s exactly what I would tell her if you leave.

    can leave her.

    • Small reason? You cant go arround accusing people of doing terrible thibgs and call it small. If someone calls anyone manipulator this isn’t a small acusation. That is a bigggg deal. People go to jail for that kind of stuff. It only small when she does it if i had done the same thing she would never let it go.but it is small when she do it when other do it it is big. This is what they call hypocrisy

  11. She never wanted it. If she really wanted it ,and believed what she said, she would have left you a long time before. But she never left you, she knows no one can your place in her heart. You have always been the first one to leave her. I’ll tell her that you left her all alone again. She will understand that you never loved her. Take care…

    • We can only be friends not lovers. That is what i was going to discuss with her. I am still here but only as a friend. I am not going anywhere but there is no point in contunuing a relationship that is going no where. Friendships dont need goals but relationships do. Something has chnaged my mind on the topic. I am not leaving untill we talk about this.

    • She has lied as well because she said she wouldnt hurt me as well but she did hurt me a lot when she called me a person who manipulate her feelings and toys with her. She lied before i did…in fact she lies a lot. But i have ignored it all as always. Every time she does this then plays victim acting like she neverrrrr does anything wrong and i am always hurting her with no reason. She always plays the victim so she can avoid reponsability and always put the blame on me for everything. So at the end of the day she can feel bad about herself pitty herself and make me her devil. She is soooo “perfect” and i am soooo “evil”. Let her know she done playing victim i am here as always willing to talk. I have something important to say but she must be there in person for me to say it.

  12. She didn’t call you a manipulator. She just expressed how sad she had been because you left her as she was really tired. My friend is going through the most pressuring time of her life now. She really needs support and a relaxed mind now. It’s high time that I must go and be by her side. Good bye gentleman.

    • I am sure. As always always thinking of herself. When i am going in pass a bad time i dont go arround blame people call them hurtful things and never apologizing for them. She literally said i play her like a toy…this the definition of what a manipulator does!!! Lol but what did i expect. Your friend always does this. She calls me whatever she feels like it and think she doesn’t need to apologize simply because she is tired. It is the same excuse. Just because you having a bad time that doesnt mean you have to be rude to other!!! That is no excuse. She need to stop playing the victim and start admiting her fault. There is nothing wrong with havi g fault. The world will not end if she admits faults. I admit my faults all the time. I admit it…i am sorry for leaving. There i did not die just because i admited fault. Your friend is allergic to admitting fault. She will probably die the day she admits doing anything wrong ever. Lol she must always be the victim at all times when it comes to me. Idk why she does this tho.

  13. She didn’t call you a manipulator. She just expressed how sad she had been because you left her as she was really tired. My friend is going through the most pressuring time of her life now. She really needs support and a relaxed mind now. It’s high time that I must go and be by her side. I’ll tell her that you have something to tell her. She will come in June and then listen to you.
    Good bye gentleman.

    • This is rare. we are good now. As long we stop being so stoburn and admit fault and move on we will be fine. No need to linger and argue so much when all we had to do is admit and move on. It just makes life a lot easier. I hope she does well in that exams she was prepering for. Still dont know How to talk to her.

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