“The closest to my heart”

This actually what I used to call this girl I once knew. We had a very complex relationship…but I will try to simplify it the best I can. She was the most amazing girl ever, I loved her and she loved me. Things weren’t always great, we had our flaws. My problem was I wasn’t open enough. I help back on my feelings, I lied sometimes  because I was an idiot. I wasn’t always there when I should have been and I wasn’t as supportive as I should have been. I really loved this girl but she wasn’t perfect either. She was extremely insecure and basically was the cause of her problems. She would get jealous for the smallest things. She always was easily annoyed and triggered a lot of argument, (pointless) but very long arguments. It didn’t help that we were from two very different worlds. She had a rather conservative black and white world and  I lived in a very grey liberal world. We had almost the same core values. We both poetry and the arts. We loved learning and knowledge itself, despite our flaws and differences. We weren’t perfect individual but we were perfect for each other. we were perfect in our imperfections. Despite all of those problems, this wasn’t what separated us. About a month before we parted ways my life took an unexpected turn. I was facing massive financial troubles. I could no longer afford school, I didn’t even know how much longer my family was going to afford the very we were living. We made some very big budgets cuts. I became very busy at work and my physical health was failing. We could no longer afford to talk everyday. I end up leaving all the accounts I had held online. I was very depressed for a while. When i decided to come back to my accounts, the obvious had happen. Everyone had forgotten about me. Anyone I used to talk to online simply wouldn’t reply, even she had left me. I E-mailed her a couple times she never responded. I now have to assume that she moved on to bigger better things than me. I have no one to blame but myself. I wish I could turn back time to the good old days where we could message each other all day. I failed her because I am the one who left.  Now I am all alone…I hope where is happy where ever she might be. 🙂 :/

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295 thoughts on ““The closest to my heart”

  1. Listen Haz, she has something really important to tell you!!! You decided to just stay friends with her right??? Well listen up, she has also decided so; but for a DIFFERENT reason. The reason is that she just HATES herself!!!!! Why so??? Because she is TERRIBLE lover!!!! Do you know why?????? Because she gets
    jealous easily when someone tries to
    confess or romantically tries to get close
    to the person she really loves!!!! 😦 She is
    a BAD girl!!!! She hates being jealous and
    possessive!!! She really hates herself for
    these sides of her charachter!!! She HATES herself!!!! She just HATES being jealous
    no matter the reason!!!! But…. She also
    can’t help fso!!! Is that a human nature
    by the way??? Well what kind of a
    human nature is that?????? There are
    3 things she really fears: 1) ARROGANCE
    (2) JEALOUSY (3) IGNORANCE…. And she
    doesn’t wanna get across any of these
    feelings herself!!!! She really HATES
    herself!!! Because the “real” her isn’t like
    that!!! So she decided NEVER to FALL IN
    LOVE AGAIN!!!! Coz she IS TERRIBLE at dealing with such relationships!!!! SHE IS A TERRIBLE LOVER!!!!! So when you come back, you shall get what you want.

    • and about the questions she has asked, i will also answer that to her and her alone so i will give her her answer when we talk june 21st. there is a lot to say, and i want her to listen. i will say this for the time being, life is complicated. not everything is black and white. there is a lot more grey areas, places that aren’t good or bad and places that are both. there is also what i call the “sad” reality…there is so much to say and discuss!!! but i want to know also, why else is she thinks she is doing badly? how is her parent relation going especially wit your mom? any new friend or foe? there is so much to say and ask i can’t wait for her return… 😦 😦 😦

    • woahhhhhhhhhhhh woahhh woah!!!! this has nothing to do with her!!! She has flaws but so do i, nobody is perfect!!! if she think she is gross then i am even worst then that!!!!! she isn’t gross at all!!!!!!!! she should never hate herself because i am an idiot who couldn’t make her happy 😦 😦 😦 :(:( 😦 i have failed her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when everyone has left me who was there for me? who was always the one staying up late because of me? it was her!!!!! she is a hero to me!!! the one person who refuse to accept i am a terrible person, and believed in me even when i couldn’t believed in myself!!!! she is great at love. i am the one who is at fault 😦 if she wants to hate someone, don’t hate herself…hate me!!!!!!! i refuse to live in a world where my mistakes has made her believes so badly of her self!!! No one is greater then my Shaar…no one!!!!!! my decision is rather complicated but it isn’t because she is bad person. i wish to explain it more when we talk again on the 21st but for now let me say this. My shaar is beautiful, smart, loving, interesting, amazing girl there is. i don’t care about her flaws but this what she is to me…someone like this can not be bad! they can not hate themselves!!! so just like she did for me when i too once hated myself but she believed in me and loved me. i will do the same for her until she realize how beautiful and amazing she rally is 🙂 if she hates herself then i really i ma the worst person ever 😦 😦 😦 the really bad thing she did was to love a failure idiot like me 😦 :(:(

  2. She doesnt have enough strength to reply Haz…. She is suffering from high fever and is not being able to study for her next exams. :(:(:(

  3. But no one ever finds her as amazing as you do!!! No one ever said to her that is great! What makes you think she is so great???!!! 😦 she’s worthless!!! 😦

    • She isn’t worthless. She is very great because i know her. I know that under all of her insecurities she is a beautiful person on the inside and outside 🙂 it is hard to explain but it is true 🙂 my Shaar is very amazing 🙂

    • I hope she gets better as well 😦 no need to ask her…she has more important things to worry about then my silly feelings 😦 she should worry more about recovering and getting better! I am now sad 😦 😦 😦 i miss her so much and to think she is so much pain is unbearable 😦 i am sorry for being no use to her 😦

  4. She is better now. 🙂 However she still has the pain in some body parts, but she’ll be fine, God willing. 🙂
    She also has a small request to you! Please kindly change your profile picture when you come back on AP!! She said she’s sick and tired of seeing the same thing for so long!!! Please, try something new!!! Be innovative, she said. 😛

  5. ‘A’ Levels she will be in college. ‘A’ levels itself has 2 parts: AS and A2. She will be completing them by 2019

  6. Well, IGCSE Cambridge ‘A’ Levels syllabus is somewhat different from typical college courses. So there is nothing called major or minor here.

  7. It’s a very renowned Catholic missionary school as well as college in the city. She was supposed to be abroad in one of the United World Colleges recommend by one of her English teachers, but her parents found it rather unsafe at such an early age. So she will be going abroad for her University, after she’s done with get college life in her own country, God willing. 🙂

  8. Well… She really misses you, especially now. She’s just sick and tired of taking exams and taking exam preparations!!!! 😦

    • I understand…maybe this is how it was meant to be…maybe this fate telling us sje shouldn’t be together…i am terrible at love 😦 i understand if she doesnt want to love me…loving me will only bring her pain…how can still love me?

    • She deserve better…by loving her all i am doing is hurting her and keeping her prisoner…sometimes i wonder…would she be better without me? What good has ever come from my love? Would leaving end her pain?

  9. Haz, why do some of her friends ignore her?? If she ever texts them they don’t reply, but if they text her, she never ignores them and reply to them. It really insults her. 😦 Can you tell me why they do that to her???

    • That is because this is how most people are. If they think she is boring or annoying they will ignore her. So if they are ignoring her that is because you are either a despicable person or not even worth their time. This is very often with online friends….most of her real life friend will do the same as well. They will only talk to her if they need something from her or extremly bored and have nothing better to do. That simply is her status in this world. She isn’t worth the time to them. But dont tell her i said that!!! She is very sensitive and will take it the wrong way! She isn’t boring or annoying at all. People who dont know as well as i do will think of her that way 😦 but dont tell her that…simply tell her becAuse people are busy with life but dont mean to ignore her. Tell her that to protect her feelings. I dont want to be cause of her pain 😦 it is her friends who did this to her 😦 but she can’t know the truth because sometimes the truth cause her pain 😦 the world is sad and filled with fake people who doesnt care…but please dont tell her that just tell her her friends are busy…i want to see my Shaar smile 🙂 not be sad by others behaviors 😦


  10. https://polldaddy.com/js/rating/rating.jsDo you know? You’re the first one after God who comes to her mind when she’s sad. Friends who ignore her are no longer her friends; because she doesn’t count them as her friends anymore; they no more than just strangers to her now.
    But sometimes she wonders, what is it that you find so special about her??? Is she even worth being loved?? Well…she really doesn’t know. But she really loves you too as you are the only one who feels her. I hope everything will be alright with her once you come back.

    • Of courses she is worth loving!!! Just because people dont understand her that doesnt mean she doesnt deserve love. I am the one who doesnt deserve her love since i have hurt her so much 😦 i am failed her too much…i am amaized such a great person as her can even still care for me. I hope she returns soon as well 🙂

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